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How To... Kill A Vampire!!

Week 4: Unplug
by recalcitrant.me on Youth Read 2013 - 3 Comment(s)

IMPORTANT: YOU SHOULD NOT IN ANYWAY TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY I MEAN IT. ;)

1.Find A Vampire                                                                                                                 This one shouldn't be too hard after all there are simply tons of them lurking around wearing all black, full of angst and bemoaning their misunderstood selves. First of all, they will have a strange 18th-century name. Something mysterious like Edwart or Damien, maybe even Alucard! If your possible vampire suspect has a name like Matt or Sam then I assure you that they cannot be a Vampire. Even if you find a bloody body in their basement do not be alarmed, they may just be holding it for a friend. Feel free to head to their house for a pool party. Secondly, a Vampire must have deathly pale skin and brood in a corner while staring forlornly out a window. ALL vampires are attractive. They all have supple muscles, piercing eyes, fully pouty lips, and lean bodies. If you're still having trouble finding a vampire just look for someone who looks like a model that should be gracing the cover of one of those boxer packets. Better yet take some garlic brownies to class for your "birthday" and see who suddenly claims to have a severe allergy. Or if your brownies are really potent, whoever starts hissing really loudly and then proceeds to jump out of a window.

2. Find Weaknesses                                                                                                           You may think Vampires are all powerful but alas, they have one(many :D) fatal Achilles heel! Sun exposure. You may have expected something, oh I don't know, more deadly seeing as to how their suppose to be all powerful, but there is definitely tons of super-credible evidence that Vampire's hate the sun, if not slightly bothered by it. Other weaknesses include those never-get-olds, traditionals such as garlic and stakes. That's right kiddies! No matter how old the Vampire(or you) are you can always rely on these golden oldies to help you out of a bind! Such as crosses, holy water, stakes, matches, and bibles. You should also consider bringing knotted rope, grains of rice, and numerous bells. Believe it or not those grains of rice aren't to bless your Vampires inevitable necrophilac wedding ;). ALL Vampires are obsessed with counting so they will definitely stop to count each and every single piece or to unknot that pesky rope that's blocking their way. Although be sure to make it a good knot not one of those where-the-bunny-goes-out-of-the-whole-wraps-around-the-tree-goes-in-again-and-pops-out-beautiful-and-bold... Poor poor Lester the Corrupt Corporate Investor...

3. Discover Reason For Being In Your Vicinity                                                                    You may want to go out and stake your Vampire immediately but trust me when I say it's better to gather info about them first. Chances are they've come to re-unite with their coven that ostracized them for some terrible traumatic reason such as throwing Little Timmy down a well. Despite the fact that these coven members will most likely have nothing in common except there Vampireness and it may appear like they've been thrown together like pizza, any other Vampires your Vampire has been fraternizing with are probably there ex-coven members. Another reason they may be all up in your grill is because they are searching for their long-dead lover. Somehow various sources have convince him that their lover has been buried alive in a tomb somewhere with a bunch of other Vampires. I mean it's not like those sources could have been lying to them at all. Perish the thought!

4.Locate Person of Opposite Gender Lusting Over Vampire                                                I'm sure somewhere near your Vampire there will be a someone (most likely a girl since we all know that teenage girls must be hormonal idiots :) convinced that they've found there soul mate. I'm sure this will be that new person in your school whose clumsy and awkward and terrible at everything. It's of the utmost importance for you to locate them because chances are your Vampire and this human will join forces to fight evil and will fall in love and  this human will have a hairy(if you know what I mean;) best friend that is desperately, not to mention secretly in love with this human(otherwise known in ancient werewolf lore as imprinting). Of course this human will fall in love with both of them but will choose the vampire. Obviously this is the correct, responsible choice to make. So as you can see its best to save this human from your Vampire's advances which if allowed to continue will result in the human having a hybrid child and then turning into a vampire. Which will continue the chain of extreme obsessing.

5. Scout For Hindrances                                                                                                   The before-mentioned best friend will belong to a pack. They may interfere or turn into valuable allies. Probably valuable allies since Vampires and Werewolves have an totally believable, legit ancient blood feud spanning over generations. Although be sure not to bring a Gillette-Fusion Razor for a house-warming gift, they may take offense at this. Werewolves aren't exactly known for their sense of humor. Perhaps an axe would be acceptable since we all know that there just lumberjacks in disguise. It will be best to make a blood-pact with them agreeing to help you whenever you're in need because there's no way they would ever ever break it, of course!! In fact best to make them pinky-swear it as well.

6. Dispatch Vampire                                                                                                             This is the easy part. Kind of. All you have to do is take a stake( preferably made out of a totally magical tree such as yew, ash, juniper, or oak) and those weaknesses that I mentioned earlier. There's no way that your Vampire won't be affected by your garlic breath (courtesy of Little Caesars Garlic Bread :)! No siree! On the off chance that your Vampire's still ex-coven comes after you for revenge you can employ the help of that werewolf pack and watch them slaughter each other. To prevent your Vampire from returning from the beyond find its lair and sprinkle it with holy water while saying prayers. You could also dismember its body, cremate each part separately, and lastly ashes should be tossed to all four corners of the world. If you wish to find other vampires be sure to research about the Vampire School(obviously a boarding school) that your Vampire must have went to. Obviously ALL Vampires obviously need to learn how to be a vampire. After all doesn't it sound like a good idea to throw together a bunch of uncontrollable, young Vampires into a school that isn't that hard to break out of? Really, simply a superb idea!

Comments

by Kate
Hahaha this is great XD
by PotterAlways713
ahaha this was hilarious! Thanks for sharing it! :)
by CeCe
LOL Ok, read the first line, and my immediate thought was "OMG all teens are vampires?!?! AM I ONE?!?! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" ROFL!!!!

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